Ibdati Malika, a schizoaffective bipolar II disorder patient, shares her story about her struggle, how she thrives with her condition, and what support means to her.
How did you realize you might need medical help for your condition?I felt fine at the beginning. However, my friends often asked “Why do you easily get mad?”. In their eyes, my response to that question is worse, I got even madder at them. I did not really care initially. However a few months later, I was bullied by my friend and I felt like I wanted to hurt them with a scissor. I did not realize it until somebody took the scissor from me. Then the next day, I hallucinate hearing a lot of things that I know I should not hear. I panicked and immediately tried to find help to meet a psychologist.
When were you diagnosed?When I first met the psychologist, I went through anamnesis (medical history check). I was asked to introduce myself from every aspect, including identity, what I experienced, and what I hoped to get from the treatment. Weirdly, because of my fear, I was not hesitant to talk about something that is very personal to the psychologist, who was at that time a stranger to me. The fear came because as an artist, I often did research about mental health for the characters for the novel that I wrote. I know for a fact that a mental illness is something that should be treated well. I was motivated because I did not want to fall even deeper to the hole. After the diagnosis was out, I was referred to a psychiatrist. There I found out that apparently I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder II type depression and manic.
How did you feel when you heard the diagnosis?I felt scared. But the most dominant feeling was how broken I was when I had to tell my parents about my disease, because I felt like I disappointed them.
The good thing is, I was so motivated to get better. In the diagnosis, my disease was still at a prodromal stage. My psychologist emphasized that if I want to get better, I should be consistent. That is also the biggest lesson I learned during the therapy, consistency is the key. If I want to get better, then I should be consistent and discipline with my treatment. Mental illness should not only be treated passively, but actively. That means there should be willingness from the patient to get better.
How was your therapy journey?When I met the psychiatrist, he asked me again about my medical history. I was then prescribed with medications and asked to get back to the doctor in a month. Besides, I underwent Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to take care of my mood swing, especially on how to shift my anger. I went through the therapy by watercoloring with a brush and writing a diary to control my emotions.
How did it feel when you took the medication?I was actually lucky because I got the right medication immediately. A lot of my friends would need more than a year to get the right medication for them.
However, the side effect is really annoying, especially the brain fog. I had difficulty communicating and easily lost focus. Physical side effect was bearable.What made it hard was the pressure from people around me.
I was supposed to have the therapy for 1.5 years. However, after a year I decided to stop. The reason for that was I could not cope with the discrimination and bullying from the people around me. I was accused as a narcotic junkie, who hides behind her illness to avoid responsibilities. Because of these pressures, I decided to stop the medications and told my family that I was already ok and did not need medication anymore.
Unfortunately, the illness came back a few months later.
What are the things that actually make you feel better or encourage you to fight the illness?If I look around me, actually 60% of my friends are supportive, 30% stigmatizes, and the other 10% do not care at all. Always remember that a word can hurt, but a word can cure too. So please do not judge easily, but cheer us up! That is more than enough.
The other thing that I like is doing something that would boost my confidence. For instance personally, I love dancing, drawing, or even as simple as jumping around. There are times when I feel like I want to hurt myself to drain my sadness and frustration about my condition, but by putting my energy to something positive helps me feel better.
Finally, what do you want to say for us as a general audience on mental health?Do not mock people especially when you may not have enough understanding about one’s condition. People should try to understand the situation from many aspects and not to judge it from just one angle. I do not think it is a wise thing to do, let alone stigmatizing it.
Ibdati Malika has consented to the content of the article and given permission to publish her story with her full name.
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